


of freedom and healing

by xoxogossipwolf



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and everything inbetween
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-22 09:51:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2503532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoxogossipwolf/pseuds/xoxogossipwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is free of Hydra, what exactly does he do with that freedom? Bucky doing mundane little things, that's it really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. of junk food and star trek

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i don't know i'm just trying to get rid of my writer's block, basically. lil drabble/ficlet things featuring the winter soldier gang probably. more to come maybe idk idk.

Bucky was standing in an aisle of the tiny convenience store, contemplating his choices. Doritos? Pringles? Chex Mix? Plain Lay's? Bucky couldn't remember the last time he had the option of so many choices, he was free to choose! Without consequences. Anything he wanted, it was almost too much. He wanted to put the basket down and walk back to the apartment he shared with Steve and just put his head in Steve's lap and maybe cry a little bit. 

Bucky didn't do that, instead he put one of each kind of chips in the basket, relishing in the fact that he could. The freedom that was so overwhelming just a moment ago was now exhilarating. He put several bags of beef jerky in the basket too, along with candy bars with names he didn't recognize. Steve was waiting for him, with the first season of Star Trek. ("Sam and Nat love it, Buck! We should give it a shot, its on my list.")

After paying for his stuff, (the lady behind the counter laughed and asked if he had enough junk, Bucky just smiled at her not quite sure what to say) Bucky walked leisurely back to the apartment, and Steve's bright smile greeted him when he walked through the door. "You were gone forever, Buck." He laughed, from his perch on the couch. Bucky could see the tiny worry lines quickly disappearing from his forehead, though. "Just enjoying doing things on my own again." Bucky said, throwing Steve a sideways smile that still didn't feel entirely right on his face.

"What'd you get?" Steve asked, getting up to walk to him. Bucky laughed, dumping the contents of the bag on their tiny kitchen table, loving the way Steve's eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at him and his haul of junk food. It was a good day.


	2. of nightmares and cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has nightmares, Steve contemplates this. Oh, and there's a cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooookay round 2, folks.

Bucky has nightmares, Steve expects this. Bucky's trauma runs bone deep and there's no healing that, no fixing it. Steve just tries to help in all the ways he can. He tries takes care of Buck, the way Buck used to take care of him all those years ago. A lifetime ago. 

Bucky thrashes and screams and cries in his sleep. Steve just says his name over and over, a mantra, a prayer, a plea for him to wake up. Bucky eventually does, looking at Steve with eyes so wide and scared and angry. "Did I hurt you?" Are always the first words out of Bucky's mouth, first in Russian, then in English after realizing what he did. Steve shakes his head, saying nothing.

Steve tried to wake Bucky once, from a nightmare. Bucky had grabbed his wrist and snapped it like Steve's bones were made of glass. Horrified Bucky ran out of their apartment and Steve didn't see him for three days, and when he came back, he didn't talk to Steve for three more. Bucky just kept throwing Steve these tiny, worried glances like Steve was gonna hurt him, or throw him out. 

When Bucky tosses those wary looks at him Steve wants to hunt down everyone who ever touched Bucky, whoever had anything to do with stripping him of his whole being, over and over. Steve wants to hurt them, like he's never wanted to hurt anyone before, wants to burn heaven, hell, and everything inbetween. He doesn't though, he stays with Bucky.

Cats, Bucky loves. Steve knows this because there's a pack of strays that hangs around their building. Bucky feeds them, will sit out on the stoop and pet them, when they allow. Bucky will even talk to the cats. Steve loves watching this interaction, Bucky completely at ease, shoulders loose and face open. 

Bucky brings a into smoke gray cat into the apartment one day, to see if the cat likes it. Bucky watches the cat take in things, wary at first. Then, completely at ease, the cat jumps onto the sofa, meows once and starts to bathe itself, and just like that they have a pet. Steve makes a mental note to buy cat necessities as soon as possible, especially a litter box. Bucky smiles brightly at Steve, tears prickling his eyes. He grabs Steve's hand and slips their fingers together, feeling content. 


	3. of memories and past lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky reflects on his memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughhhhhhhhh. that's all i have to say about this one.

Bucky starts to remembers things, things from the 40's, from the war, from when HYDRA had him, mostly he remembers Steve. Steve with his blonde hair, his blue eyes, his fragile bones, his rattling lungs, his too pale skin. Steve, who Bucky loved, who he  _loves_. 

Sometimes Bucky'll sit on the fire escape just smoking cigarette after cigarette  remembering things, for hours at a time. Steve, and a brutal New York winter, with a cough that Bucky didn't ever think would go away. Steve, with his sketchbook and pencils, drawing Bucky. Except, in Steve's pictures Bucky was beautiful, angelic, inhuman. Him, curled around Steve kissing lazy lines up his neck and smirking at the breathy sighs that come from Steve's throat. Steve getting into fight after fight over something righteous, and coming home all bloody. Bucky in silent disapproval and slight admiration about how unfailingly _good_ Steve was and still is.  

Bucky worries, late at night with Steve breathing soundly next to him, that someone from HYDRA was going to come and take away the precious few memories he fought tooth and nail to pull up from his shredded brain.

Bucky asks Steve about them because he's afraid maybe they aren't real, and Steve's face lights up and he nods. "Real," he says. "All real, Buck. Didn't think I was gonna make it through that winter." When Bucky nods, contemplating this, Steve also says, "You were always that beautiful to me, you know." This makes Bucky blush, so he tells Steve to shut up. Steve kisses him on the forehead. "You still are." Steve adds, voice muffled against Bucky's forehead. Bucky wants to cry at how sincere Steve sounds.

Its never easy for him, remembering the good or the bad. Both are hard in different ways, Bucky feels nostalgic for a past he barely remembers. For a literal lifetime ago, for someone he used to be. He's still coming to terms with who he is now and what he's done. It wasn't his fault though, not really. That's what he tells himself, what Steve tells him. One day he thinks he might be able to believe that.

For now, though he has Steve and Steve loves him. Bucky thinks that's enough for now.


	4. of knitting and blossoming friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha teaches Bucky to knit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kinda really love this chapter. kudos appreciated :*

Bucky likes Natasha a lot. She's quiet and understanding, she doesn't hover over him like he's a tiny baby who is going to swallow something and choke. She treats him like a regular person, not a shattered doll who's glue is melting. He thinks maybe she gets it, what its like to be pulled apart over and over, and then put back together in a different, more brutal way. 

Natasha also knits. Bucky is extremely perplexed by this, he doesn't think she's the type to knit, he pictures her shooting a gun to blow off steam. Or maybe beat up scumbags. But not knitting, definitely not knitting. 

"Its good to have something to do with your hands. Make something instead of destroying it." She tells him. That, Bucky understands. "Want me to teach you?" She asks, tiny smile on her face. He nods his head.

So, every Saturday Bucky goes over to Nat's and she teaches him to knit. Little easy projects at first, but Bucky proves to be an excellent student and a very quick study. He's soon knitting sweaters with complicated patterns, hats specifically for Steve because Bucky likes how he looks in blue. He also likes the way Steve's ears stick out. When Bucky calls him cute Steve turns a beautiful shade of red and kisses Bucky's cheek.

Bucky knits a sweater for Sam, as a way of apology for trying to kill him. Bucky is nervous as to how Sam would react, a sweater isn't that great of a balm, but honestly Bucky isn't really sure anything could make up for attempted murder. 

When Bucky hands it to him, Sam's face splits into a huge, dazzling smile. "A falcon, huh?" He says, looking at the bird on the front. "Thanks, man. I love it." Sam says this so sincerely Bucky feels himself grinning, it feels foreign on his face. He likes the feeling.

He isn't really sure what to make for Natasha, so he makes her a few different things. A kettle cozy because she loves tea, he notices. Gloves because she has the coldest hands of anyone that he's ever met. A scarf to go with the gloves. 

Natasha's face breaks into a giant smile when she sees the gifts, a genuine smile Bucky has never seen her give to anyone other than Sam. "I, uh, you know, I didn't really know how to thank you. For teaching me. To make something, instead of destroying it." He echoes the words she said to him, months ago. Natasha clears her throat, and nods. "Thanks, Bucky. They're great. Your stitching is crooked though." She throws him a sideways smile, he lets out a tiny laugh and rolls his eyes, a warm feeling spreading through him.

 

 

 


	5. of slow dancing in pajamas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky slow dancing in their kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by this prompt http://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/101363205571/imagine-your-otp-slow-dancing-together-in-the

Bucky's eating breakfast when Steve comes in the kitchen, hair sleep mussed and eyes bleary. He's beautiful, Bucky thinks. "Morning," Steve grunts. "How'd you sleep?" Steve asks once he's poured coffee and drank half the cup in one swallow. Bucky shrugs. "Pretty good."

He didn't have nightmares and he slept three consecutive hours, so he counts that as a victory.  Steve nods, smiles lightly, and finishes his coffee. Steve gets up to rinse his cup out when he tilts his head, noticing the music for the first time. Bucky thinks this makes him look like a giant golden retriever, he smiles at that. "What are you listening to?" He asks, head still cocked as if that would make the answer come to him. 

"Don't know. Just turned the radio on. It was the news. Now it's this." The voice crooning from it gives Bucky chills now that he's actually listening to it. Its haunting, he thinks, and beautiful. Steve holds his hand out in front of Bucky, a questioning look on his face. An invitation. 

Bucky smiles, sets his spoon down in his bowl and takes Steve's hand. Steve's hand goes to his waist, the other taking his metal arm, lacing their fingers together. Steve kisses his shiny knuckles, Bucky blushes. "You look beautiful this morning," Steve tells him as they sway around their kitchen. "Your hair, it looks good like that." Steve's referring to the bun Bucky has put it in, pieces of hair falling around his face. 

Bucky blushes harder and sticks his nose in Steve's neck. "Yeah well, you're a big sap." Bucky tells him, fondness making his voice heavy. Steve laughs gently and Bucky feels the vibrations. "Song is kinda depressing, isn't it?" Steve asks. Bucky hums, it fits them he thinks. Their relationship, everything they've been through. And somehow through all that, he made it back to Steve. 

Bucky nuzzles Steve's neck, and maybe holds him just a little bit tighter.

The song ends but they keep moving, even though the next song is far too upbeat to sway slowly too. Neither of them mind. Just keep dancing, in their kitchen with their messy hair and in their sleep rumpled pajamas. Its almost too much for Bucky, the feeling of love wrapping itself around him like a cloak. 

Bucky lifts his head from Steve's neck, finds Steve's lips and kisses him hard. Steve makes a pleased noise, kissing back gently. "Got a lot of dances to make up to you, y'know?" This a rhetorical question, Bucky knows. He hums again, and puts his face back into the crook of Steve's neck, still swaying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song mentioned is lana del ray's once upon a dream. it kills me.


End file.
